Dear Santa,
I hope you and Mrs. Claus are well…and Rudolph too. We have lots and lots of snow this year so it will be really easy to land your sleigh on my roof. Can you please replace the wire cap on the top chimney after you leave or else my Dad will get mad again because the birds like to make their nest in there. I don’t want to have to eat deep-fried robin ever again…
I’ve tried to be very good this year…honest I have…but sometimes I know I was kind of naughty…I didn’t mean to be…but I hear all these different voices in my head and they keep telling me to do very naughty things. Sometimes I say naughty words and write naughty things too…I don’t mean to…they just come blurting out…and well a girl has to make a living somehow. And sometimes I think them too. Being just a little naughty isn’t all that bad is it Santa? I mean I haven’t shot anyone…well I did shoot that duck with the Airsoft gun but he was okay and flew away…albeit leaning a little to the left.
And sometimes Santa, I drink too much. Not often, just sometimes. And then the voices inside of me come out and want to talk to everybody. I try to keep them in…but it’s so hard. Sometimes I try to get rid of all of them at once by throwing up in the toilet or on a nice soft piece of grass…but they always come back.
If you can forgive me Santa, I do have a few items on my Christmas list:
- A drum set
- A keyboard
- World peace
- A 10 foot by 10 foot shed
- Hairless legs
- More manageable eyebrows
- A way to eat yogurt while driving without slopping it down my crotch
- A night with Orlando Bloom (I just want to play Scrabble – honest)
- Increased flexibility (I have my reasons…Mrs. Claus will tell you)
- 10. The ability to do a perfect cartwheel just once…
That’s all I want Santa and if it’s too much then maybe just focus on the even-numbered items. I will leave you some cookies and Rudolph some carrots. The other reindeer can fend for themselves.
I love you Santa.
Love,
Trish
